Happy (be-lated) birthday to the author we love to hate...

It would seem that today is a special day.

That's right! The day after Johnathan Rand's birthday.

You see, I was unable to access the blog yesterday but I did post a little something on my Facebook page wishing Johnathan Rand a very happy birthday. Since a birthday is virtually every holiday combined (seriously, you get presents, a meal of your choice, the whole she-bang), I feel it necessary to wish Rand a birthday on the 25th of November, despite the fact that he was born yesterday.

Happy birthday, big guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W12NxRQdSb8

PS: It would seem that we have more Chillers books on the way!! The Wicked Waterpark of Wyoming is just the latest book coming out. Can't wait to get my hands on a copy. Also from Michigan Chillers: Catastrophe in Caseville (about a giant killer cheeseburger, no, not kidding) and more Freddie Fernortner books.

No more Fernortner, please. PLEASE!!!

Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia

New post!!! OMFG!!!!!1

Yes, it has been a while since I've blogged about these downright horrible books, and although a great many of them aren't all that bad, this one is.... terrible. And I'm not even exaggerating when I say that. This book is so mindnumbingly boring, nothing ever happens. The titular velociraptors never run amok, only staying inside one laboratory. I just read this one recently and I haven't got around to doing a review until now. In fact, this was one of the first Chillers books the esteemed co-author of this blog, Chris Bly, read. So, as you might have guessed, it wasn't a very good first impression. So, let's get on with this piece of garbage, this is one of the worst. Let's dive right into Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia.

The Main Characters
Brandon and Kara, who were never believable, and Brandon's little dog, Midnight, who disappears into a time machine half way through the novel.

The Plot
Brandon and his friend Kara are playing softball catch in some unnamed city in West Virginia. That's right. Instead of just picking the capitol from the state the book takes place in, he was too lazy to even MAKE UP a city that it takes place in. I've read this book from cover to cover and it never once specified where exactly in West Virginia the characters live. Johnathan Rand, if your whole theme is having your book series take place around the country, you have to actually have your books take place AROUND THE COUNTRY!!! This includes naming cities as settings readers are familliar with. It makes your books look more informative and allows readers to relate to them. You should know this!!! Well, anyway. Brandon is a little jealous that Kara is kicking his butt at softball so he focuses all of his energy to make sure he knocks this one out of the park. Well, there is no park, really. The nearest one is ten miles away. Instead, the children are playing their game at a vacant lot on their block. Brandon succeeds in his attempt at hitting the ball far, but not exactly in the way he had hoped. You see, (and that isn't my writing, here, it's Johnathan Rand's) the ball just crashed through the window of a one Dr. Joseph Wentmeyer, the local eccentric mad scientist. You know, the same kind of eccentric mad scientist that somehow finds his way into every one of these books. (In case you're wondering why they don't just call him crazy, well it's because he's got enough money to be considered "eccentric".) Anyway, the two children decide that it's a good idea to sneak onto the overgrown, unkempt premesis of this mad doctor's workshop, completely covered in KEEP OUT and NO TRESPASSING SIGNS. And if that's not enough, they actually enter his top secret workshop with the intention of retrieving their ball. Dr. Wentmeyer arrives home and catches them in the act, however. Johnathan Rand describes him as a tall man with messy, gray hair, but I'm pretty sure he meant to describe Doc Brown.

No, not that Doc Brown. Doc Emmett Brown. The Christopher Lloyd one.

Anyway, so, the kids apologize to Wentmeyer and the good doctor tells them that they will have to pay for it themselves, for the mind-shatteringly large sum of fifty dollars, which just happens to be the average price for a window. The kids freak out, and Brandon insists that it would take him ten years to pay Dr. Wentmeyer back. Yeah, sure. Anyway, Wentmeyer tells the children that (guess what?) they will have to work for him until they work off the money they cost him when they broke his window. Because that hasn't been done a million times before- oh, wait...
Well, the next day, the kids come back when they hear an explosion. They rush inside to see what was the matter and they discover Dr. Wentmeyer looking more like someone out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon who plugged both barrels of a shotgun with their fingers rather than someone who just got caught in an actual explosion, complete with the black soot on his clothes. Because that happens in real life. Well, anyway, Dr. Wentmeyer completely ignores the fact that he just nearly got killed and despite the kids' persistent efforts to get him to explain what exactly happened to him, he skips over that and announces to the world (two children in West Virginia, actually) that he just invented a working time machine. Rather than publish his findings for the rest of the world to see, he decides to do what any rational person would do, and take two destructive children who just broke something of his the previous day, back in time. What could possibly go wrong, right? Well, a lot of things. They see that the time machine looks like a big, metal shoebox and Brandon asks if that is really the time machine. And get ready for what has to be the DUMBEST audience intelligence insulting moment you will ever see in ANY of these books:

"That's it?" I asked. Dr. Wentmeyer beamed. "That's the Time Retranspositioning and Sub-Molecular Reducing Teleporter."

That's right, folks. Johnathan Rand has now moved up to the prestigious level of Master Troll, by actually making up words and putting them in an order that makes no sense. That entire "scientific" name isn't even logical at all. This so-called name literally means nothing. You know when you hear "Germans" speaking gibberish in a movie and you want to figure out what they're saying but when you type it into Google Translate, it reveals that you totally fell for it and there were no actual words being spoken in German? It's kind of like that. Except worse. That would be like me writing a book about an invisibility formula and completely making up words that the formula is made from and then putting them in a random order, hoping that my readers will just ignore or not notice the blatent error.

"But, Dr. Small, what goes into it?" "Ah, elementary, my dear child. This formula consists entirely of mercuryaichydrolic acids and dimonoxide carbohydrates. And of course we can't forget the Prometheus Nissan Altimaium we add for extra flavor."

Well, anyway, I do have to give Johnathan Rand some credit for his design of the mechanisms on this time machine, beacuse it really is original and creative. But it is so woefully explained that it's hard to take it seriously. In a nutshell, the time machine works more like a teleporter than a typical time machine. It disappears and travels back in time without flying or moving at all. You punch in the coordinates and it appears at the exact location you want it to. And here's the cool part. The time machine, when having been used, is invisible to anybody who isn't inside it, except the people inside can look outside the machine and look at the events going on at the time.
Just listen to how he describes it: "You see, the machine travels on a molecular level. It changes into quadrillions of particles that are invisible to the naked eye." That's right. Quadrillions. Is that even a legitimate unit of measurement? Is the term "quadrillion" actually aknowledged by scientists outside of the realm of silly children's books?

And I would be lying if I didn't picture Mike Teavee traveling by television when I read that the machine traveled in particles invisible to the naked eye.

Well, anyway. Without consulting anyone, including their parents, to see if it is okay if they travel back into the distant past in an experimental time travel machine, the kids decide to go with an unstable mad scientist in a rickety time machine that could potentially be very dangerous. The scientist also tells Brandon that he can bring Midnight, saying: "And you, Mr. Doggie, will be the very first hound to travel through time." Well, I think that Einstein, Brown's dog, has that beat.

Kara and Brandon ignore the risks and instead use some pretty flawless logic to decide whether they should go or not.

"I'll go if you go." "Well, it really would be cool to travel back through time." "Okay. We'll do it."

Can't argue with that, can ya? Anyway, the doctor gets them inside the time machine and also brings up another good point. Wentmeyer tells them that instead of just talking about the past to kids, teachers can take field trips into the past and actually witness it, also unable to alter the past with the so-called "Butterfly Effect" because they can't go outside and change anything. However, when Wentmeyer leans down to pet Midnight, his elbow hits some switches and buttons, and triggers the time machine to go to the Prehistoric Times rather than Lincoln's Gettysburg Adress in 1863. He tells the children that he "overshot the runway" and then explains that the button (get this) malfunctioned! This resulted in the loss of invisibilty, leaving them completely vulnerable to whatever decides to attack them. Dr. Wentmeyer then has THE BALLS to tell the two to go outside and follow his instructions on turning a dial which he calls the Photomallification Transponding Reciever.
It looks as if Johnathan Rand is up to his old antics again. He once again made up a word and then put it in a sentence in a random order. How can any writer possibly do this? How? Twice? In one book? Why? What made him think this would be a good idea?
Well, they fix the problem and when they get back to the present, they discover that three velociraptors are holding onto the outside of the time machine, and chase them all throughout Wentmeyer's crowded lab. Brandon thinks Wentmeyer is surely a goner because all he is holding is a tennis racket. He then says the most mindnumbingly idiotic thing I've ever read in any of these books. He claims that the animal is too fast and powerful to be stopped, and that even if you had a gun, you couldn't stop it.

I beg to frickin' differ.

Yeah, a gun would TOTALLY kill one of these things. Even if you had a .22, it would still kill it if you shot it a few times. And have you seen what a typical self-defense .357 Magnum will do to thick ballistics gel? I think you need to click on this link to find the answer, and when you see it, I think that you'll realize it won't be hard to kill one of these things with a gun, the most reliable and powerful defense weapon in the history of mankind. If you can't kill a dinosaur with one, how can we kill a person?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7w4M-LNXuQ

Wentmeyer uses a tennis racket he literally modified with copper wires to turn into a tazer-like machine, (Kind of like the fire extinguisher tranquilizer) which he calls the Electronic Brain Wave Inhibitor. A third time, folks! Let's give Johnathan Rand a hand! He must have broken a few records here by doing that more than once. I can't even believe it. Anyway, the Inhibitor supposedly stops all brain activity and puts the dinosaur to sleep... except for the fact that that is impossible to do without killing the animal, but let's overlook that. Anyway, he then puts the dinosaur into a steel box. He doesn't kill it or anything, he just sort of leaves it there until it wakes up. Okay. Is he too afraid that he will upset the readers if he kills these things off? Who cares? They're vicious, primal animals! Drop a rock on their heads! Don't let them live!!! So a bullet can't stop these things, but a box will? Flawed logic there. Get this, the raptor actually wakes up and attacks the doctor when he tries to put it inside. Hmm... looks like that gun isn't such a bad idea after all, is it? Luckily, Wentmeyer closes the dinosaur in and Kara correctly suggests that they call the police. However, Wentmeyer, like all good scientists, got rid of his phone because he was annoyed by telemarketers. Okay. This leaves them completely stranded until they can defeat the dinosaurs alone. Luckily, Wentmeyer reveals that they can remotely control the time machine and send the dinosaurs back into the past, using a remote he invented that not only controls the time machine, but also the television. Okay, so he has a television, riddled with advertisements and idiotic shows, but not a phone? Dr. Wentmeyer is cornered by the velociraptors (Again, looks like a gun would have been handy, huh?) when Brandon gets the brilliant idea to use himself as a distraction and get the velociraptors to come after him. As he is fleeing from the dinosaurs, without any warning or provocation, a flashback. A flashback of a bike race with his friend, Lamar Shoda, randomly appears out of nowhere and Johnathan Rand spends over two pages describing it. What signifigance does this have, you ask? Why is this even in this book in such great detail? Don't ask. Just... don't ask. I guess it is kind of clever to convey how he knew he was going to crash his bike that day and winced, anticipating some kind of horrible injury, but really? Two and a half pages of detail to a pointless flashback? Whatever. Forget about it. Back to the important story. Anyway, when it looks grim for our heroes, Midnight, THE DOG, saves the day by engaging the vicious, carniverous dinosaurs who are experts at KILLING things smaller than them with their sharp teeth and claws, can not, in fact, defeat this one housepet Laborador. Forget about it. Too much logic, a no-no for these books. Wentmeyer then attracts the dinos and when they come at him, he drops a net on the dinosaurs and pins them to the ground. Brandon claims that the dinosaurs are very mad about this (okay, kind of obvious, but whatever) and Dr. Wentmeyer stops the dinosaurs from getting out of the net. Brandon actually says the only thing in this book that resembles something someone would actually say, by calling the knock-out tennis racquet device (See, Johnathan Rand? You just made me coin the phrase "knock-out tennis racquet device"! Shame on you, shame!) an "Electronic whatever-you-call-it". They use the device on the dinos to knock them out and then spend over two minutes carefully untangling these dangerous predators, rather than just throwing them inside the time machine. You know, logic. However, this proves to be a bad idea as the dinosaurs wake up and for the millionth time, nearly kill Dr. Wentmeyer. They taze or do whatever they need to do to the dinosaurs so they can put them inside the time machine, but they forget to knock out the one inside the steel cage. Brandon helpfully reminds the reader that the velociraptor was a very efficient hunter and planner, and this causes the velociraptor to wait until he had opened the door to lunge out at the doctor. And why do you have to be intelligent to do this? It's common sense! Anyway, Brandon drapes the net on the raptor, but the raptor quickly begins chewing his way through it. Luckily Dr. Wentmeyer uses the brain wave inhibitor on the creature but it wakes up AGAIN (yeah, that gun is looking like a pretty good idea, huh?) and goes after Kara. However, Midnight AGAIN saves Kara by putting his neck on the line. It seems like this dog has more guts than these protagonists. Midnight is truly man's best friend! He's risking his life to save his owners, and the owners are cowering behind some knock-out ray? Please. Some heroes. Anyway, Dr. Wentmeyer steps in and saves Midnight by using the Inhibitor. Why he didn't just do that before Midnight had to step in and risk his life is beyond me. However, they forget about the dinosaurs who are still inside the time machine.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST KILL THESE THINGS???? IT IS WAY TOO MUCH EFFORT KEEPING THEM ALIVE!!!! GET A SHOTGUN AND BLOW THEIR HEADS OFF, OR A HAMMER, OR SOME KIND OF LETHAL WEAPON!!!! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A FRIGGIN' CAR, YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TEDIOUSLY KNOCKING THEM OUT!!! JUST.... kill them already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Wentmeyer programs the Parallel Molecular Coordinates which allow the time machine doors to open automatically and let the dinos out when they reach the past. And you tell me, I don't know, but that makes the FOURTH time that Johnathan Rand has spewed out nonsense claiming it to be scientific. Dr. Wentmeyer tells Brandon to press the button on the remote, but alas, Brandon accidentally drops the remote that was to transport them back in time. He picks it up and discovers that it won't work. This book then throws the dumbest twist EVER your way. The big "unexpected solution" on how to fix the remote is that Wentmeyer never even put the batteries in. Are you friggin' kidding me? Anyway, Dr. Wentmeyer slaps his forehead, complaining about his stupidity, saying: "Oh, for goodness sakes!"

Really? You'd be better off having him say 'Oh, for crying in the beer cheese soup!'

Brandon presses the button, sending the dinosaurs back to the Cretaceous Period. When the thing comes back, they find, get this, ANOTHER dinosaur on top. How many velociraptors could possibly be in one area of the jungle? This is one unrelated raptor that just decided to randomly go up to this big thing in the woods. Dr. Wentmeyer reveals his master plan: open the door of the machine and let the raptor smell the scent of the other dinos and enter the time machine.

And.... it works.

You tell me, I have no freaking clue why the raptor did that, but it did. They send it back to the past and then after the ordeal is over, Dr. Wentmeyer tells them that, because of all their help with the time machine, they don't have to work on his property anymore and have worked off the broken window. He tells them goodbye and Brandon is disappointed to find that his family doesn't believe him when he tells them of his adventures. Brandon tells them that after he makes his adjustments to the time machine, the doctor and his invention will be world famous. (That is, if that ever happens, it's left ambiguous and never explained) The next day, Kara tells him that there are dinosaur footprints all over the yard, but those are just dog tracks. And how do you confuse the two?
 
Seriously. What part of THIS says DOG? Anyway, they encounter a girl from New Hampshire named Hannah. For some reason, she is visiting West Virginia, over twelve hours away. Never explained. Screw it, he's only trying to tie-in the next book. Anyway, it starts to get dark and they play some softball. The ball lands in the dark, spooky woods and Hannah, get this, is too afraid to go get it because she is AFRAID OF GHOSTS. Just because something is dark, doesn't mean it harbors ghosts! This is kindergartener- no, preschooler logic, not pre-teenage logic!! Espescially since she DIDN'T EVEN ENCOUNTER GHOSTS!!!!!!! In the book she was in, she encountered the memories of the house she was living in. No ghosts here. Besides, why on Earth would she be afraid if they never harmed her in any way? Whatever. Anyway, she tells her story and Brandon says that it is "Horrifying". Yeah, don't think so. Wonder what Brandon and Kara thought when Hannah told them she never even ecnountered ghosts in the first place? Whatever, because that's another story...

Things I Learned From This Book

• You can name something the Time Retranspositioning and Sub-Molecular Reducing Teleporter
• You can name something the Photomallification Transponding Reciever
• You can name something the Electronic Brain Wave Inhibitor 
• You can name something the Parallel Molecular Coordinate
• American Chillers suck
• A powerful gun cannot possibly stop a dinosaur slightly bigger than a large dog
• Dinosaurs are faster than bullets, apparently...
• If you shut off the brain of a creature, it won't die, but merely fall asleep
• It doesn't snow in West Virginia
• American Chillers still sucks

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert
Yep. You may think I'm cheating here, but Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit is the EXACT SAME BOOK AS THIS. Except, Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit didn't completely suck and had a few redeeming qualities. This abomination is virtually identical to this one. Dinosaurs are brought into the future where they run amok before being transported back into the past by the protagonists. That's it. That's all it is. IDENTICAL.

Questionable Science
Dr. Wentmeyer (who is obviously insane), invites two children, unaccompanied and without consent, into the past without revealing his revolutionary design to experts around the world. Not to mention that this time machine malfunctions frequently, having exploded at least twice, and he screws up and sends them into the distant past when he intended to travel to 1863. He then tells the two children to go outside with the dangerous velociraptors and fix the dial he broke when he messed with the machine. After they fix the problem, the two are attacked by vicious velociraptors and they barely make it back to the future (ha ha!) and then discover that he inadvertantly transported these ferocious dinosaurs into the future with them. He puts the dinosaurs to sleep rather than just shooting them and this causes another problem whereupon the children are forced to fend off the dinosaurs themselves. He also makes up scientific terms and puts them in a random order. You think he will lose his funding for this?

Questionable Parenting
Brandon's dad tells him that the next time he goes back in time, to bring back a Brontosaurus, because he hears that they are "tasty on the grill".

Questionable Writing
Sorry, I know I'm sticking to this, but really, Johnathan Rand? Making up words? And then, you put salt in the wound by putting them in a random order?

Johnathan Rand shows he is down with the kids
"Traveling through time is cool, but I'm not too hip about being attacked by real dinosaurs."

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
Of course, when you're dealing with ferocious dinosaurs, anything can happen...

Holy Crow Alert
This book invents the phrase "Holy Crow", as if Holy Cow was copyrighted or something. Johnathan Rand not only needlessly invents this unnecessary and ridiculous phrase, but uses it THREE TIMES in one book. Wow. Just... wow.
I can't even picture Robin saying that. Let's try. "Holy crow, Batman!" No. Doesn't work.

Captain Obvious Alert
Sorry, Mom... I was stuck millions of years in the past because Dr. Wentmeyer's contraption broke and we were attacked by dinosaurs. That's why I'm late for lunch.

She wouldn't believe that for a second.
(Strangely, though, he tells his parents anyway, and they, strangely enough, do not believe him! What a shock!)

Great Prose Alert
If Dr. Wentmeyer was Angry now, he would go ape-crazy when he saw the broken window.

Ridiculous Simile Alert (more ridiculous than ape-crazy)
Dr. Wentmeyer's eyes lit up like spotlights.

Even More Ridiculous Simile Alert (more ridiculous than spotlight eyes)
It crouched down and flew up into the air like a Super-Frog!

Conclusions
This book is so bad. Downright terrible, in fact. Unfortunately, I happen to own this book, and wish every day of my young life that I could travel back in time (without bringing back velociraptors, of course) and then shoot my younger self so I don't wind up spending my hard earned money on this piece of garbage. But if I did go back in time, I would want to be traveling in the Time Retranspositioning and Sub-Molecular Reducing Teleporter ©. 
If you think about it, it's really the better alternative. In fact, any book that uses the phrase "Holy Crow" more than twice, needs to be doused in holy water and burned at the stake.
All joking aside, though, this book is really fun to read. It's so poorly structured and absurd. It's so bad, it's good! Worth a read just for the laughs.

Haunting In New Hampshire

Why is there a squid on the cover?

Okay, this is our first actual post, so bear with us.
Haunting in New Hampshire is quite possibly one of the LEAST plausable books in the entire series. I cannot say that that statement is exaggerated. It is actually pretty good and well written until we actually get to WHY the place is haunted. Johnathan Rand actually does an excellent job describing the house, and how the kids felt about the move. For the first thirty pages or so, I was intrigued, and I could almost feel like I was "inside" the house. But then comes the thing that ruins it all.  But you can read all about it here:

Main Characters
Hannah, whose believability disappears halfway through the book, and her brother Clay, who disappears into a trunk one-third of the way through the book.

Plot
Hannah and Clay's family is moving (for some reason, it is never mentioned) to Concord, New Hampshire. Whenever one of his books takes place in Michigan, he does all kinds of research and tells you all about Michigan. Here's what you know about Concord, and I quote: "Concord is the capital of New Hampshire". What? It looks like Johnathan Rand said to himself one night "Well, this doesn't take place in Michigan, so let's just look up the capital and have it take place there." So, anyway, onto the plot. Hannah is quiet and reserved, but Clay, since he isn't a main character, is used for comic relief and does "hilarious" pranks like putting a frog into his pocket. (so funny!) Anyway, the family heads to Concord and starts looking at cheap houses to lease and move into right away. The first of these happens to be a super old mansion, which Hannah has a bad feeling about. (foreshadowing alert) Mr. Hooper, the guy who owns it, invites them in from the rain for a tour. The family finds that the old mansion is very tique, but intriguing. The kind of place with a lot of history.
After all, it is located right next to a cemetery.
You know what they say, location, location, location. This book described Mr. Hooper as over fifty years old, but I'm pretty sure Johnathan Rand meant to say that his first name was Matt and he once went out on the Orca to hunt a Great White Shark with Quint and Chief Brody.

I just couldn't resist.

So, while "exploring" like all curious kids do, the twelve year old Hannah is (get this) FREAKED OUT when she sees a door open by itself! But then Mr. Hooper explains that it's just the floorboards that she was standing on that made it do that. (?) So, apparently doors can open by themselves if you step on a board? So, how does that work? If a board gets stepped on, it goes up. It doesn't turn a doorknob and forcibly swing onto the door, pushing it open. If anything, it would push the door a little higher up.

If you though that was bad, try this. This is seriously one of the lamest "cliffhanger" chapter endings of all time. Let me quote it for you.

"Clay? Clay?" My brother had vanished into thin air!

If you might have guessed, like all of the chapters in every single Johnathan Rand book ever written, this was misleading. I know what you're thinking.

What a shock! You mean to tell me that Clay DIDN'T really vanish into thin air?

Another chapter goes by, which is literally around four to six paragraphs in length, and Hannah hears Clay screaming for help!
Okay, one thing that I've never understood about this book: Why does Hannah instantly assume that ghosts are involved? Is that rational thinking at all? Even if you did believe in ghosts, you wouldn't jump to that conclusion!

Anyway, her brother, who loves to play PRANKS on people, was in fact, believe it or not, PLAYING A PRANK ON HER!!! Except, well it didn't work out too well because he got stuck in the trunk, and instead of jumping out to scare her, pathetically called out for help. That still remains as one of the most pathetic jokes I have ever read. And we were supposed to be scared by it. Hannah sees something white, and like usual, instantly assumes it's a ghost. (another cliffhanger chapter ending.) But it's only a white robe. What. How can you confuse a ghost with a bathrobe?

L-A-M-E.

So, Mr. Hooper tells her "There are no ghosts in this house. Only memories". (Foreshadowing alert) Everybody loves old men that make no sense whatsoever. Then Hannah sees a cat, but then the cat disappears!

And, believe it or not, that was ANOTHER cliffhanger chapter ending. Because nothing makes you turn the page like a disappearing cat. Hannah senses that something is up, so she asks Mr. Hooper about it and he describes the same, cat, only it died decades ago.

A GHOST CAT.
JOHNATHAN RAND ACTUALLY THOUGHT A GHOST CAT WOULD SCARE US.
THIS BOOK FEATURES A GHOST CAT.
A GHOST CAT.
I REPEAT, A GHOST CAT.

Seriously, let that sink in. And I quote from the front cover: Maximum chills guaranteed! Guaranteed? How about a maximum refund? Who would read that chapter ending and be: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! I MUST KEEP READING TO SEE WHAT TWISTS HE THROWS MY WAY NEXT!!!!
That was so disturbing, in fact, I might have to sleep with the light on for the next four weeks. Anyway, they begin to sign important documents because, and I quote from the mother: "Buying a house isn't like buying milk or bread."
Yeah, the mother felt the need to tell her children, that, believe it or not, buying a house is actually a relatively complicated process. Does she really think that her children don't know this? Because if I buy bread or milk, I don't have to get a mortguage from the bank. Well, anyway, after wasting several paragraphs describing them moving into their new house, she begins experiencing ghosts, but her amazingly supportive family members don't believe her, and tell her that she is "off her rocker". So, then, they decide to watch a movie while ghosts are inhabiting their home.
Later that evening, after her family goes to sleep, Hannah hears some commotion downstairs. She heads downstairs where she discovers that only she can see the ghosts when she spots a whole family of ghosts in their dining room, who somehow clearly don't notice that someone has moved into their own house. (How could you not notice that?) But don't be fooled by how conclusive this seems to the storyline, because Hannah quickly reassures us in a cliffhanger chapter ending that "the bad things were only starting..." So, rest assured that the book, is indeed, not over.
Hannah runs back up to her room and, to her horror, discovers that a ghost is staring at her from the doorway. But, don't worry, it's just her brother, Clay, who she has known for HER ENTIRE LIFE and somehow can't recognize. Yeah, because I confuse my siblings with ghosts ALL THE TIME. Next, Hannah (for whatever reason) then decides to hold the ghost cat, which just walked through a wooden door. Because when your house is filled with ghosts, that's just what you do, I guess. After this, she discovers even more ghosts in the house, and at this point, and I'm not lying here, Hannah figures out that there is a ghost that is, in fact, capable of turning into a... tornado.











Yep, just when you thought this book couldn't possibly get any dumber, a ghost actually turns into a friggin' tornado. After this horrifying? ordeal, the ghosts all leave and Hannah goes to sleep.

But the twist is.....
The next day, she talks to Mr. Hooper, who reveals that there are not any ghosts in the house, only memories. The house remembers things that died long ago.
WHAAAAAAAAAAATT???????????
Is that the big twist for this book? That the "Haunting in New Hampshire" wasn't even a haunting at all? What the hell? After all these years of reading books, I have not ever come across an ending so insultingly, mind-numbingly bad that it involves inanimate objects recreating the past. Let that sink in. A HOUSE is REMEMBERING the good old days.
A HOUSE IS REMEMBERING THE PAST.
JOHNATHAN RAND THOUGHT THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE THIS EXPLANATION.
THIS BOOK ACTUALLY FEATURES A HOUSE THAT HAS A MEMORY.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, Hooper takes away the photos that he left behind and leaves, and the house, for some reason, can no longer remember, so life goes on as usual.

Is this book over yet?
Everything is normal and life seems to be going fine.
That is.... until they meet this kid named Robbie from Mississippi. (Who, for some reason, traveled over twenty states away.)
Robbie scares Hannah in a cliffhanger ending which is something like this:
(Robbie pounces on Hannah)
"Ha! Fooled you!"
"You mean this whole thing is a joke?!?!"
Yes, they just told you that.
And I'm sure you all will be able to guess what happens next. Robbie, who just happened to have his own odd, remarkable supernatural event back in his home state, tells Hannah about it. When Hannah inquires, he says that it would be too silly for her. She says that it wouldn't be, because she just got out of her own phenomenon, where she discovered her house was remembering the past.
You may be thinking, wait, Robbie believed that? Well, yes. Apparently kids who had their own plausible adventures, like discovering a Living Fossil, will automatically believe any supernatural story they hear, even if it sounds as Looney Tunes as that. Robbie then decides to tell her about it, and he goes on to top Hannah's story by telling her his story, and therefore tying in the next book. But that's another story....
I swear to God, these endings are all the same. Like, the exact same. What are the odds of this happening? Well, get used to it, because that's how Rand ties in every book. As if kids who had supernatural experiences would meet other kids who had supernatural experiences, espescially ones from different states.  

Misleading and Lame Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert:

Here's some cliffhanger endings:

"Sudddenly a black form flew at my face!"
*Next chapter*
"Oh, wait, no, it was just a crow."

Johnathan Rand book reference alert:

"I was reading a book. It was about huge sea creatures in South Carolina. It was scary."

He usually does that in every book, for some reason, but in this one, he feels the need to do it TWICE.

"Like that guy who wrote the book I was reading about, it was about giant sea creatures in South Carolina."

Sounds familiar.... The one with the cover showing a monster that does pull ups with its tongue, although it has two perfectly good arms.

Things I learned from this book:

• Houses are (somehow) capable of remembering things. ???
• Floorboards, when stood on, are capable of opening doors.
• White robes look exactly like ghosts to a person who has never seen one before.
• Kids use the word bewildered
• Kids use the word needn't.
• Kids use the word okey dokey.
• A ghost cat is scary.
• Mad snakes can bounce off walls.
• Sea Creatures of South Carolina was a scary book.
• Girls can turn into thin, flexible cyclones.
• You can physically hold a ghost cat.
• Buying a house is not like going buying milk or bread.
• When you have a haunted house on your hands, sit back, make popcorn, and watch a movie.

Impossible Logic
Hannah, despite being terrified of the angry ghosts inhabiting her new home, decides to take a break from being scared and sit down and cuddle up with one of the ghosts: a cat. Despite the fact that the ghost just walked through a wooden door, she holds it with ease, and it somehow does not fall through her arms. So, HOW did she do that??

Who wants puns?
Looks like Clay was the only junk in that trunk!

Johnathan Rand shows that he is down with the kids:
Clay is wearing a shirt that said: Flying monkeys stole my homework! What next, Johnathan Rand, going to have kids run with scissors and begin breaking fragile things?
The children are also seen using the words "needn't" and "bewildered", words you would be more likely to find in a Victorian Charles Dickens novel rather than the everyday American kid's vocabulary.

False Advertising Alert

• Sea Creatures of South Carolina was a scary book.
• Maximum Chills Guaranteed!

Questionable Parenting:
When Hannah expresses her concerns about the fact that there just might be ghosts in the house, do Hannah's parents even ask why she thinks that? No. They literally insult her by saying that she is "off her rocker"!! Then they just forget about the concerns of their child and tell her to shut up and come watch the movie. Okayyyy.

Well, to be fair, I have seen worse parenting in these books.

Questionable Realty:
"There are no ghosts here, honey." "I know, mom. Mr. Hooper said so."

So, wait, if someone wanted to sell you their house, they wouldn't TELL you that it's haunted!!!

Well, it's a fixer upper, you need some new mirrors, some new cabinets, and the ghostsbusters, because this place has more angry souls than the Amityville House!!!!

Great Prose Alert:
"Suddenly, the girl transformed into a thin, flexible tornado, about the width of my wrist, and began bouncing off the walls like a snake gone mad!!!"

Well, I didn't know that mad snakes could jump off walls.

Where have I seen this before alert:

Two kids who move to a small town into a creepy old house that is filled with dead people? Who would have thought of that? Oh, wait. R.L. Stine did.

The Million Dollar Question:
Does Johnathan Rand have potential? If he does, he isn't using it.
If you answered yes, you've just won a million dollars!

Conclusions:
Interesting and surprisingly quite good at first, but it turned out to be....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLwc9lbJlIQ

Mississippi Megalodon

I am a pretty big fan of bad movies, like The Room or Birdemic. My special interest is the SyFy channel original movies, the really bad ones like Piranhaconda (I know, sounds like Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania) or MegaPython Vs. Gatoroid. Some of the really bad ones are usually about the sixty foot long prehistoric shark Megalodon, because it is the easiest option for both dinosaur films and giant shark films. A couple of these examples include Megashark vs Giant Octopus, Megashark vs. Crocosaurus, Megalodon, Sharktopus, Shark Attack 3, and Shark Hunter to name a few. These films are usually the worst, because they can do pretty much anything since it's a giant shark. Don't believe me? Check out this cinematic gold.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nzd0R_OeOc

So, when I saw Mississippi Megalodon for the first time, I had to admit, I was actually pretty excited. After all, Johnathan Rand had finally tapped into a large amount of creativity here. He has written about something no other kid’s author has ever done before. Maybe it’s just my liking for the gigantic shark, but then I read the description. The description said that three friends wound up getting trapped in a rowboat all alone in the middle of a lake. How brilliant! Johnathan Rand could finally cook up a really claustrophobic, suspenseful thriller. All the better because he would have to find new ways to keep the reader interested because the kids are trapped in the same location for the whole book.  And he would also find ways for the kids to defend themselves in a seemingly hopeless situation. Sure, the Megalodon could easily just gobble up the entire boat, but, it’s called suspension of disbelief. And I am VERY familiar with that in these books. Does he actually act on such potential? Let’s find out. This is Mississippi Megalodon.

The Main Characters

Robbie and Tara, whose believability disappears halfway through the novel, and Laydon, who disappears into a submarine halfway through the novel.

Plot

Robbie Bridgeman and his friends, siblings Tara and Laydon Phillips love to go out on Robbie’s family rowboat in the nearby lake, Sardis Lake to celebrate Robbie’s 12th birthday. Robbie opens the book in probably the dumbest (albeit hooking) way possible.

Megalodon.

That’s right. He just says Megalodon.

To be fair, Johnathan Rand has never done this before, but still, how would it be like if other authors did this in their books? Like, if Mario Puzo opened The Godfather by saying: The Mafia. Or maybe if Truman Capote opened In Cold Blood by saying: Multiple Murder. Or how about Roald Dahl opening Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by saying: Chocolate? It’s not very imaginative. He tells us how he

did a report on the creature for class and gives a quick sum up of it. The Megalodon is a prehistoric shark that is around sixty feet in length. Although it doesn’t have calcium bones, teeth almost one foot in length have suggested a very large shark. Then he tells them all of the sleepy summer day where he and his friends decided to go fishing out on Sardis Lake outside their town of Sardis Lake, Mississippi. Robbie tosses Tara a life vest, but she winds up falling overboard when she tries to catch it. Robbie and Laydon start to panic, looking all over, but they can’t spot her. While looking through the fog, Robbie spots a large fin, several feet high and wide. Robbie at first begins to panic, worrying that the shark may have gotten Tara. Robbie uses the emergency phone his mother gave him to begin dialing for help. However, right as he is dialing the last number, Tara pops up. It was all a joke to get back at him for missing her with the life vest. Ha-ha.

My God! Pretending to drown? Really ? That ISN’T funny.

Robbie decides that he is seeing things with the shark. And, get this, Tara and Landon actually go back to shore and leave to get dry clothes. I can’t believe this! They all could have left if Robbie stuck with his gut instinct! And now look where you are! In the middle of a lake with a gigantic shark stalking you. Jeez, it’s like Jeepers Creepers 2! They have a chance to escape! And to think, they saw the shark FIRST! Come on! While out on the lake, they wind up catching hold of a very powerful fish. At first, they are excited, as they hoped to catch a big fish. The fish winds up pulling their fishing pole into the depths and the kids start freaking out. Soon the fish resurfaces and Robbie discovers that it is in fact, the legendary Megalodon, who was used in his report for school and several direct-to-video horror films. The fin is several feet high and several feet wide. The kids can’t believe it, and watch in shock as the gigantic shark darts through the water past them, shaking the boat violently, nearly tipping it over. After a while, they hope it will go away, but when it doesn’t, they panic. Knowing that when the shark finally decides to attack the boat, they will all be killed. They figure that the shark mostlikely doesn’t know what it is, and won’t take a risk attacking it until it knows what it is. This will buy them some time and try to formulate a plan. The boat has a small motor and two emergency oars. They decide to take a chance and start up the motor. Unfortionately, the motor doesn’t start.

There’s a shock.

After all, doesn’t that happen in EVERY Friday the 13th movie? What, did the Megalodon destroy the motor?

They then decide to wait until they know for sure that the shark is gone before using the oars, because it may spot them and attack. But the shark doesn’t leave. They are forced to wait. After hours of waiting and near shark attacks, they decide to make a break for it. The shark sees this as a hostile act and attacks. The shark hits the small aluminum boat and destroys it.

I think it looked somewhat like this....

Robbie is a good swimmer, and swims for his life, as he can’t find Tara or Laydon. Suddenly, a submarine pops up from below the surface…

Wait a minute, what am I writing??? What am I writing??? I mean, seriously!!! Johnathan Rand had a truly great plot cooked up! It had the makings of a perfect story! Perfect setting, attack spacing, description of boredom and fear, the feeling of isolation, it was brilliant. And now, this. Now we know for sure that this is a Chillers book. Robbie swims to the sub and the sub picks up Tara and Laydon as well. They wait for a couple seconds and the sub opens and lets them in, quickly descending below the surface. Robbie thanks the driver for saving them, and the driver reveals that she is a local scientist. She was studying fish patterns in the lake or something and discovered the “living fossil”, which apparently was an infant that came from a massive hunk of amber, which must have been unearthed while the lake was being constructed. The shark then grew to adulthood in the lake over the years.

Okay, WHAT????????????????????? What? How many WTFs can I put in one review? First of all, how can a SHARK be covered in tree sap? Second, how big is this tree if it has enough sap to cover a shark?  Does it have a faucet? Third, how on Earth did nobody notice this shark until now? Fourth, how did this shark get stuck in sap? The only reason that there are insects in Amber sometimes is because they get land in the sap and get stuck, forced to sit there until more sap covers them and they suffocate. They are preserved through fossilization. So, did this shark walk underneath a tree and just sit there while it was being covered in sap, which had to have taken several weeks? Fifth, HOW IS THIS SHARK STILL ALIVE?!?!?!? I mean, when something is FOSSILIZED in amber it is killed. Sixth, how are there any fish still left in this lake? The Megalodon ate WHALES!!!! The fish in this lake would be gone in a week! Seventh, how did the amber dissolve? Johnathan Rand, tree sap dissolves. Amber is rock. There is no way amber could dissolve OR the shark could still be alive. Johnathan Rand probably just watched Jurassic Park, because there is no way this could ever happen. I mean, at the very least, he could have said that the shark was frozen in prehistoric water and this was unearthed while digging the lake. It melted and the shark grew from there. At least that would have been somewhat plausible. And even then you would have to suspend your disbelief. But even then you would have only two questions, (how it is still alive and how nobody noticed it until now) not SEVEN.

Well, anyway, the lady tells them that they are trying to research the Megalodon, but it has suffered shock from being introduced to the future all of a sudden and is now acting hostile to protect itself and its territory. The Megalodon begins ramming the sub, partially flooding it and forcing it into emergency power. The shark attacks the sub several times:

Causing everyone to fall over. It's up to Robbie to save them. Yeah, because that would happen.

Robbie pulls the sub up to the surface and escape, right as the helicopters arrive to take the Megalodon away to a research facility. Okay, all we need now is the PETA activists protesting because “Megalodons are people too”. And Robbie and his friends thank the lady and her miracle submarine for saving their lives. Their parents are glad that they are still alive and don’t care about the completely destroyed boat. They go on with business as usual and then meet…. who cares?

 

Things I Learned from This Book

• Sharks can survive fossilization for thousands of years with no oxygen.
• Amber can easily melt away like ice.
• Someone can drive a submarine through a lake without anybody noticing.
• Gigantic sharks can hide from people in a public saltwater lake.
• Sharks who feed on whales can suddenly switch to fish in a lake and have enough to satisfy them for years and nutrition them enough to grow over sixty feet.
• Boat motors will not work when you need them most.
• Megalodons, if released from amber, will suddenly be able to breathe in fresh water. (The only explanation I have for that is evolution, but if evolution is real, it certainly doesn’t happen quickly enough for the shark to be able to breathe when it first is introduced to the water.)

Johnathan Rand Book Reference Alert

Get this, on page TWO he throws it out there. In fact, I had just finished reading a book about Velociraptors in West Virginia. It was a really freaky book.

I can assure you that… it’s NOT. Oh, and we’ll get to that later.

Great Prose Alert

 

My mind spun at light speed.

Cliffhanger Chapter Endings Alert
How do I know Megalodons exist? Because we came face-to-face with one horrifying day last summer…

(Er, you mean to say that a Megalodon exists. How many examples do you know of where sharks were preserved in tree sap? I don’t think that there are more.)

(Next chapter)

Not a bass, bluegill, crappie, or other harmless freshwater fish, but an enormous monster that was lurking in the depths… watching and waiting.

All right… enough.

(Chapter 5)

Tara was right. A little bit of water wasn’t going to hurt us. It was the gigantic beast lurking in the water that we would have to worry about—and we’d be seeing that creature soon enough.

Okay, I got it. 

(Next chapter)

“It looks like the beginning of a scary movie!” Said Landon.

I had no idea how right he would turn out to be.

WE GET IT!!!! THERE’S A MEGALODON IN THE LAKE!!! IT’S IN THE TITLE OF THE FRIGGIN’ BOOK FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! WE DIDN’T FORGET ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

I chose this because it involved scientists trapped on an isolated drilling rig after they unwittingly release a Megalodon from a frozen over ocean underneath the Arctic ocean floor.

The Million Dollar Question
Can sharks fossilized in amber be revived when the amber somehow dissolves? If you answered yes, then you didn’t win a million dollars!

Conclusions
This book is really silly, but I really do have to give Johnathan Rand props for trying. You can tell that he put a lot of effort into this one, maybe it’s the plot, maybe it’s the writing, but one thing’s for sure, he definitely cared about this one, like Dinosaurs Destroy Detroit or Iron Insects Invade Indiana. If you ignore the whole impossibility of it, it is a very enjoyable read, and a pretty suspenseful one. Another thing I really like about this one is the fact that the parents actually know what happened to their kids. Unlike in North Dakota Night Dragons, where the parents are completely clueless and know nothing about what their kids went through. In this one, they are glad that their kids are alive and feel a mixture of guilt and shock. All of these factors combine to form one of the only Chillers books I would actually recommend, and one of the best Chillers books, even if it is pretty silly. 

I just can't resist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhVn1c3lpgY

Coming soon:

• Wicked Velociraptors of West Virginia

• Bionic Bats of Bay City
• Iron Insects Invade Indiana

• Savage Dinosaurs of South Dakota

• Terrible Tractors of Texas
• Terrifying Toys of Tennessee
• Invisible Iguanas of Illinois
• And that one book about Vacuums... we HAVE to review that one!!!

A few words on Johnathan Rand

Okay, I just want to make one thing perfectly clear: I don't HATE Johnathan Rand (the pseundonym of Christopher Wright). In fact, I admire him. I take pride in the American dream and I enjoy reading up on true examples, i.e, The Persuit of Happyness, Bill Gates. Johnathan Rand was once a freelance writer who tried desperately to sell his books to gas stations and supermarkets. He finally secured a distributor and American Chillers became a sleeper hit series. I would describe it as a "cult series". American Chillers is not super popular, as in, you can't find them wherever books are sold, but the books were a big enough of a hit for Rand to do his dream, and write full time. This is my dream. I want to be a writer of books desperately. Therefore, I admire him. That he can have such a loyal fan base. That he can be so successful. If he would take the time to think up plots that aren't recycled from other things, or if he would ditch the REALLY friggin' annoying repetitive titles, his books would be really good.

This blog was never meant to be mean. It was merely meant to provide comical reviews of his books, which I find funny. It's all in good fun. Johnathan Rand is a great writer, but he needs to treat his audience with a little more respect. Then, his books would be a lot better. If he didn't just assume that they would accept anything, you would see TONS of effort put into it.
Not to say that Mr. Rand is lazy, because I know how hard it is to write a book. Believe me, I've tried. But you have a really talented guy who could add a lot more detail into it and a lot more realistic scenes rather than fake outs and underdeveloped characters. He knows his audience, but not well enough. 

What he should do is write books for adults. Really. He would be really successful. WAY more successful than he is now.

Johnathan Rand, you are a funny guy, and a really nice guy, but if you made a few minor adjustments, you could be as popular as R.L Stine, my favorite author.

You are an inspiration to me and many others. God bless, Troy.

Poisonous Pythons Paralyze Pennsylvania

(I really don't understand #11's cover, because it doesn't have anything to do with the book, but I have to give them props for creativity)

The Main Characters
Ryan, and Stephen, whose believability disappears half-way through the novel, and Heather, who disappears until half-way through the novel. (And, if I can make a quick note here, I would like to mention that every other chillers book (with the exception of Missouri Madhouse) that I have ever read has only had two protagonists. I really don't understand why Rand felt the need to put a third person in the circle of friends here. She doesn't serve any purpose. You know what? That will be the twist.)

The Plot
Ryan Brindley has just moved to Maple Glen, Pennsylvania (not far from Philadelphia) from Missouri. I'm surprised Rand didn't make a cheap Missouri Madhouse reference here, but, so be it. After all, it isn't my book. Ryan and his friends, Stephen and Heather Lewis love to hunt for snakes. One day, Ryan suggests that they hunt in the local swamp (you know, the infamous Pennsylvania swamps) when they come across a  neat discovery: a gigantic snakeskin, around thirty feet long. The kids argue about if it is a boa constrictor, but no boa constrictors live in Pennsylvania. Curious, they do a pretty smart thing, by deciding go to the local pet store to tell the owner about it, who may know something about snakes. Yes, ask the teenager working minimum wage at a pet store for advice on a 30-foot jungle reptile. The clerk tells them that the manager is not here, but to come back later that night. They do and he drives them to the local university where they are introduced to a biology professor. The clerk tells them that the professor is his colleague, who created the pythons for a genetic engineering experiment for class. The experiment didn't go wrong or anything, but the dangerous poisonous reptiles escaped through the ceiling tiles.
That's right, the ceiling tiles you see at an office. He apparently just built a glass wall on the other side of the laboratory and filled it with plants. He didn't bother to change the ceiling or anything or create an isolated environment for them to live in, he just threw them in a closet, and they escaped thorough the ceiling.
Okay, first off, why did they give these things poison glands? I mean, isn't that like giving piranhas wings?



Or giving carniverous dinosaurs F-15 fighter jets?


However, I will admit that it is more realistic that a college professor would do this than a random mad scientist, but still-- who is giving him the funding to do this??? And what is the point of giving already dangerous creatures POISON GLANDS?!?!? And where did he get the pythons anyway? Wal-Mart? So, the scientist tells them that the pythons have escaped into the local swamp where they will breed. He is actually being really calm while he says that an entirely new species of poisonous, gigantic reptile will be created. Espescially in a place where people walk around! Someone could be DEAD, and this guy doesn't even care! He just assumes that he will get them back in time! Dude, do you even realize how big of a lawsuit you will have on your hands if these things kill somebody? Can you imagine living with that guilt? And I can't imagine how much worse that guilt would get when you realize that you not only didn't put it in a specialized habitat, but had no reason to genetically engineer these animals! But no matter! He has disguised a canister of knock out gas as a fire extinguisher. Wait a minute, what? WHY would he do that? To sneak it past airport security? Here's an idea, why not bring a friggin' SHOTGUN??? These things are dangerous, you a-hole! And I love how he lets the kids come with into the swamp with no protection whatsoever. I mean, really. He didn't bring any night vision goggles, no guns, no knives, just a canister of knock out gas. But how fast does this work anyway? Doesn't knock out gas take like, twenty minutes to tranquilize the animal? But, no matter! It's time to go into the middle of the deep, dark swamp to go hunting for TWO dangerous, gigantic, genetically engineered snakes! They find the snakes and manage to knock one of them out. But the other one attacks the pet store clerk and the scientist.
But, get this! The kids wind up saving the adults! Okay, I have read my fair share of these books, and I know how the kids always triumph, but it is so unlikely that they would save ADULTS!!! Come on! Did they get their saving techniques from Quest for Camelot?
So, they bring the reptiles back into the enclosure and everyone lived happily ever after.
That is, until Ryan meets Serena, a girl from Delaware, who tells them all of an encounter she had with living dolls. But that's another story....

But the Twist Is...
And then there was a third character who served no purpose but to be a girl!

Things I Learned from this Book
* Scientists will randomly genetically alter already hazardous reptiles to make them even more dangerous.
* American Chillers suck.
* Scientists will disguise a canister of knock out gas as a fire extinguisher.
* There are swamps in Pennsylvania.
* Johnathan Rand will not even bother to make up a reason as to why Ryan moved.
* Get this, Pennsylvania pet store clerks will not know much about jungle pythons!
* Three's company! Apparently two main characters wasn't enough here.
* If you do decide to genetically alter reptiles, just put a glass wall on one side of your laboratory and fill it with plants. It will be just like the jungle!
* Pythons will escape captivity if you hold them captive in a sub-standard enclosure.
* Don't be worried about death, lawsuits, or loss of funding if your dangerous experiment escapes from your sub-standar enclosure.
* Pythons are incredibly easy to find in a swamp.
* Adults will need to be saved by children from time to time.
* American Chillers still suck.

Great Prose Alert

And suddenly. . . .

“HOLY COW!”

Cliffhanger Chapter Ending Alert
I didn't just freak out... I went bananas.  

Sexism Alert

My friend Stephen loves to catch snakes, too, and so does our friend Heather Lewis. I used to think that girls didn’t like snakes, but Heather does, and she’s good at catching them, too. Today, she had soccer practice, so she couldn’t be with us.

Obscure 90s Pop Culture Reference Alert
Quest for Camelot is a movie from the 1990s about a girl named Kayleigh.

No, not that Kayleigh.
But a girl who wants to become a knight and save Camelot. Throughout the film, she is complaining and gloating about how she will be the greatest knight ever.

YET, throughout the film, she has to constantly be saved by a BLIND MAN!!!! And, get this, at the very end of the film, she needs to be saved by a chicken. A FRIGGIN' CHICKEN!!!

For more, watch the nostalgia critic's top 11 damsels in destress review.

Obscure Book Review Reference Alert
Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo is a terrible book, but it made a pretty funny review.
Click HERE to read it. And for another obscure book review alert, click another story.... at the very end of the plot. It takes you to the Dangerous Dolls of Delaware review.

Johnathan Rand Reference Alert
Actually, there is none here. Nope. I suppose that when Rand frequently mentions that when a character moves away, (in this case to Pennsylvania from Missouri) that is like a reference to his books since every one takes place in a different state (Whoever thought up this "50 state scares" gimmick needs to be dragged out into the street and shot.)


Say What?

“Ryan, you’re a genius!” Stephen shouted, and he raised his hand in the air. I slapped it and then bowed.

Where Have I Seen This Before Alert

This entire plot was in a film called PYTHON from 1999. This was a fantastic film for a TV movie, with an ensemble cast including Casper Van Dien (starship troopers), Jenny McCarthy (Um, well, she, she, she was a playboy model and she was in a couple movies... she's Jim Carrey's former girlfriend.) Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and William Zabka (The douche teen in The Karate Kid). This had bad special effects, but a hilarious tongue-in-cheek attitude, and really good acting. The ending was plausible and the characters were likable. That is until the prostitute known as the "hollywood sequel took it for all it's worth!

Well, it can't get much worse than that, can it--


The entire book is in here! A gigantic, genetically engineered snake on the loose, the good-hearted but foolish guilt-ridden scientist chasing it, and the main characters who wander into the mess.

Questionable Science
The "scientist" genetically engineers already deadly animal to make it even deadlier by giving it poison glands. He doesn't bother to control the variable in the experiment, the snakes, by putting them in a sterile environment, rather putting them behind a glass wall in his classroom. The snakes escape through the ceiling to run amok in the streets before breeding a new kind of species, a poisonous python in the local swamp. Then, he disguises a canister of knock-out gas as a fire extinguisher so he can sneak it into places without arousing suspicion. Then, he goes off with children into a swamp with the knock out gas.

So, what was the point of screwing with nature in the first place?

The Million Dollar Question
Do scientists often genetically engineer animals for no reason? If you answered yes, you didn't win a million dollars!
Conclusions
If you ignore the factual inaccuracies and plot holes, this is actually one of the best Chillers books, and a very well-written one at that. I enjoy how the title acutually has a lot of thought and creativity put into it, despite the fact that it is one of the longest titles in the series. But I think that that is part of the creativity. Pennsylvania is long, so why not make the title long as well? I also like how Johnathan Rand seems to have done his homework on snakes, and he does a good job of creating some very sensible and likabile characters. I thought it was a really good read and actually kept my excitement.

Okay, I can't resist:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9NUc0ut8Ek&feature=related

A Chillers book finally coming on South Dakota????

Well, the day has finally come. I fondly remember talking with my friend and the co-creator of this blog Chris Bly (please hold your applause, this is a serious matter) at lunch in seventh grade a couple years back about all of the stereotypes that Rand has introduced into his books, which mostly take place in the generic state capitol, as if Johnathan Rand just looks at the big book of state capitols for his research. (For a couple examples, the only research he did on North Dakota was that they had a zoo in the state capitol, the only research that he did on Minnesota was that they have four seasons, you tell me how that works, and the only research he did on Nebraska was that the protagonist lived in a farm OUTSIDE the state capitol.) I for one, used to live in Nebraska, (yes, I am from the midwest, but I am certainly not a hick.) in a town that contained 24,000 people. It is certainly not the biggest city in the world, but it is still far bigger than a simple farm. Believe it or not, not all midwesterners are farmers, Omaha, Sioux Falls, and Des Moines being a few good examples of cities with almost 1 million people. This is what rubs me the wrong way the most about Rand, that he throws out random stereotypes against the people who live far away from him, and does little research on the places. He does such a small amount of research, usually a few sentences at most, (one of which has to be the name of the state capitol, I know, breathtaking research) that when he does the books from his home state, Michigan, you feel blown away at how much you learn about one town in partictular, (around a page of trivia) whereas Rand feels like he can sum up an entire state in a couple sentences.

Anyway! Well, it seems as if Johnthan Rand has finally gotten to South Dakota. I fondly remember talking to Chris about what he will do to butcher the good name of our state when he gets around to it. Chris predicted that the protagonist would live on a farm outside the state capitol, Pierre. He also claimed that Rand would include aliens or something bogus like that and have the final showdown on Mount Rushmore, like in North By Northwest. I reminded Chris that although farmland is an important part of our state's economy, he will not do enough research to discover that, so it would be more likely that the main character would be a hick in the black hills, like a children's version of Deliverance, or maybe Wrong Turn.  Or, he could live on an Indian reservation in the Badlands. I do still agree that there will be something involving Mount Rushmore, though, but I stand by my argument that Rand will not do enough research to discover that about half of our state is farmland, the other half: mountains, mining, and dams.

Here's the title: Savage Dinosaurs of South Dakota. It is basically about a dinosaur oriented theme park located in the middle of nowhere. And what better place to put it than in the middle of South Dakota? After all, it is where all the people in witness protection come. It is about a girl named Autumn (?) and her friend Brady (?) who love dinosaurs. One day, they discover that an eccentric billionaire will be making a theme park oriented around dinosaurs. In fact, the logo is online now.

Actually, no. Whereas that actually had thought and creativity put into it, this just ripped off the idea of a dinosaur theme park and switched out cloned dinosaurs with robots to avoid plagarism. And another thing. Why are they so excited about this millionaire's park if it's just a bunch of robots? Well, Johnathan Rand hasn't ever included robots in his books.
 
Judging by the look of the park, it looks like the park will take place in the badlands. This is pretty creative. Dinosaurs roamed there long ago and the landscape is beautiful. So, I do support the park taking place there. But I am more curious as to where the kid lives. That is where it gets interesting. To see what stereotypes he will thow at us.
Tell us what you think of the book. Do you think that it will take place at Mount Rushmore? On a farm? In a mountain shack? On a reservation in the badlands?

Anyway, I will review this book as soon as possible. You can read the description here:
http://www.americanchillers.com/

Troy's LEAST Favorite Books

Today, I tackle my LEAST favorite Chillers books. (Not counting Freddie Fernortner) It is extremely difficult to choose this list. I always have a hard time reading Chillers, but these are the ones that REALLY are bad. Yeah, folks, that's right. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

5: Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo
First off, the biggest problem with this book is simply its title. Kreepy Klowns of Kalamazoo. He actually spelled two words WRONG just so they could match the spelling of Kalamazoo for the tongue-twister title. Why he felt he needed to do this and why he thought kids would relate to this is irrelevant. Often times, his attempts at making the titles start the same often hinder the plot, because then he actually has to use the material in the titles to make the book. But then again, he is the guy who brought us these: Vicious Vacuums of Virginia, Monster Melons from Venus, and Freddie Fernortner: Fantastic First Grader and the Fantastic Flying Bicycle, so we're in good hands.
Anyway, at a carnival in, where else, Michigan,

and, like in all stories Johnathan Rand writes, Michigan is creepy and has strange things happening. Klaus VonKlown (crazy name) has for some reason, resorted to his true calling, making robot "Klowns" that drink battery acid and eat old radio parts. Wow, didn't know that robots had digestive systems. So, for some reason, the "Klowns" turn evil, and use the gravitron ride, that, coincidentially, came with a system that sucks out (here we go again, Rand has thrown the life energy concept at us) "LIFE ENERGY" And in one part, the clown is carrying a KNIFE! Oh, wait, it's just a butter knife. How can you not tell it's a completely harmless butter knife? Also, the Klowns make sandwiches (with no butter, so the butter knife was completely useless) out of bread and old radio parts, but, if they can tolerate bread, why don't they just eat bread?

4: Sinister Spiders of Saginaw
This girl hates spiders. Then one day, she somehow winds up under the city sewers and comes face to face with a giant spider! But don't worry, it's only Jarred from school. It appears that the spiders are actually shapeshifting aliens (are you confused yet) that fled their planet because the bad spiders on the planet didn't like them. Wow. It was that bad? What kind of society has BOTH good spiders and bad spiders? It's like North Korea, apparently. So, then these aliens (who can only shapeshift into spiders and humans) somehow find their way to a planet filled with humans, and what luck! They're able to enroll into public school. WHAT THE !@#$?!?! So, then they battle the stupid spiders who are trying to put spider eggs into the city water supply and turn everyone into spiders. Why terrorize Saginaw, Michigan, instead of, say, Tokyo, or even LA?? These are some stupid aliens. Turning the Earth's humans into spiders one Michigan city at a time! So, then the ending happens and the girl who hates spiders discovers that she is a spider. WHAT? It's like me not knowing I was Chinese, when you thought your whole life that you were Hispanic.  A lame attempt at an RL Stine type twist, only RL Stine actually makes sense. In My Best Friend is Invisible, he never said that they were humans when they were aliens, but in this one, she says she hates spiders, when she is one. That's like me saying 'I Hate HUMANS!!!'

Hey, Johnathan Rand, I have a message for you. Click on this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrTkmDLUm2w

3: Minnesota Mall Mannequins
These kids from Saint Paul go on a field trip to the Mall of America in Minneapolis. (Bad teaching alert. WHO TAKES FIELD TRIPS TO A SHOPPING MALL?) Well, soon these kids get lost and nobody comes looking for them. Soon, this lady brings all the mannequins to life, but they are actually programmed by aliens thanks to a tower on the top of the mall. Okay, who wouldn't notice aliens putting up a tower on the mall? Anyway, then they find a classmate, (?) who drops a bomb on the reader that a comet flew over the city and sent: (and I quote) some kind of electricity that brought the mannequins to life" What. So, these ridiculous mannequins try and kidnap these kids because they want to harness their "life energy". WHAT IS THAT??? Very bad. MUY MALL!!!
2: Missouri Madhouse
These two 11-year-olds (!) who love to watch scary movies (Bad parenting alert) aren't aware of a scary tourist attraction that has been in their town for a long time. (?) So, they go inside, where a carnival awaits them, and a boy tells them that they will be trapped there because the evil wizard, Jeffrey wants to keep them there forever. (Jeffrey Dahmer?) So, long story short, they go through this portal and fly all over the world, such as a waterfall, a vampire's castle, and finally, Santa's village. Come on! This is making the Leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies look scary!

Then santa tells this kid who has been following them that he hasn't been good. He apologizes, he goes back on the good list, they go home and live happily ever after. THE END!!!!

AND THE NUMBER ONE WORST CHILLERS BOOK IS:

North Dakota Night Dragons
This one doesn't even deserve a number, it was so bad. It was about as "exciting" as buying socks. Allow me to explain. The book starts off with some kid describing Bismarck, North Dakota. (Here's how he describes the zoo: It's a lot of fun. Amazing description!) Well, anyway, One night, this kid is playing kick the can (What? Kids still play that?!?!?) when he is suddenly swooped up by a talking dragon demanding the "Orb of Shammar" What. So, the dragon that wants "the Orb of Shamwow" summons some more dragons from "the Emerald Realm" including one two-headed dragon named "Dantar". However, a good dragon that can also transform into a person allows them to go into the dangerous alternate dimension filled with dangerous creatures to find the "sword of eternal power", while she guards the orb. Although, it would make more sense for her to go in there as a dragon so they can guard the orb, but no.
This book is like Dragon Wars meets Harry Potter. It's horrendous. An awful mixture of fantasy, action, adventure, sci-fi, misleading cliffhanger chapter endings, implausibility, stupid characters, and "horror".

Wow.

Conclusions